


Spero Meliora

by A_Minyard



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Catharsis, Grief/Mourning, Kevin is my personally adopted son and I cried writing this, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-29
Updated: 2018-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-11 05:26:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13517511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Minyard/pseuds/A_Minyard
Summary: Kevin is overwhelmed by Riko's death and has to come to terms with his conflicted grief alone.(For my cathartic/extra angst purposes, Thea isn't in this).





	Spero Meliora

**Author's Note:**

> Nora said that Kevin reacted badly to Riko's death and the Foxes did not understand for a long time. I've meant to write about how Kevin must have felt but didn't because it's a painful part of his life. So, here we go.

After their final game, Kevin was tired but had never been happier in his life. That was the worst part. He never saw it coming.

When everyone but Neil was accounted for in the locker room, he should have known then. But Andrew wasn’t freaking out, so he figured it was fine. Then Neil did show up, with that Butcher’s smile of his. Kevin reflexively pressed his finger to his new tattoo, willing everything to be okay just this once.

“What’s so funny?” Nicky asked. Everyone had turned to Neil.

Neil shrugged, still smiling. “Life?”

David said something about packing everyone up, but Kevin wasn’t listening. Andrew was heading for Neil. He wouldn’t get time alone for his answer just yet. With numb fingers, he grabbed his bag and filed out behind everyone. The parking lot was nearly empty. There was no sign of Riko, or the master, but he kept an eye out through his window on the bus. He didn’t look at Neil when he joined everyone, and was more than happy to avoid conversation and let everyone else sleep. He didn’t think he could handle confirmation yet, but when they finally arrived at the hotel, he couldn’t lie to himself anymore. He had to know the truth.

In the meantime, he went over every small detail that might give him a different answer. He knew the new Lord was at the game. He knew Riko’s arm was broken. There had been no news since Riko left the hospital in a cast. It didn’t mean he was dead, but Neil wouldn’t smile like that for nothing.

At the hotel, he planted himself in front of Neil and Andrew’s door. His whole body was numb, with that bone deep dread just under lock and key. In the Nest, he’d learned how to lock away his emotions when he needed to, and he called on that now, because if Riko was dead he was going to need it.

“Yeah?” Neil asked. “You have your own room.”

Kevin watched for the rest of the Foxes to disappear. They might know all about the Moriyama business, but he didn’t want to hear their judgment right now. “Let me in,” he ordered quietly.

Neil slid a look to Andrew, shrugged. Then swiped the door open.

When they were safe inside, he rounded on Neil. It took every ounce of strength not to shove him up against the wall and choke the truth out of him, but Andrew had put himself between them with one step. He stared Neil down just over Andrew’s shoulder.

“Tell me,” Kevin said. It sounded less like a demand with his voice hitched like that. “Tell me what happened.”

He wasn’t sure what would have made it easier. If he’d found out from the press like Neil must have been planning, or if it came from David, more gently. Instead what came out of Neil’s mouth was:

“He’s dead. Are you surprised?”

Something broke in his chest. He took a step forward. So did Andrew. He clenched his fists so his nails bit into his palms. Tried to ground himself. Took a breath around the hole in his lungs.

“Tell me. What. Happened.”

It was the way he said it, like he was recounting inconsequential gossip instead of delivering the news that Kevin’s oldest friend, no matter how bizarre or toxic their relationship, was dead. That it was staged as a suicide. Bullet through the head. In that moment, he hated Neil and everything that had happened since he came. He knew that wasn’t fair, but what part of this was?

“You’re free now. Well, mostly. I thought you’d be happy. Or relieved.”

The confusion, the total lack of understanding for where Kevin was coming from. It reminded him very much of Andrew.

“Happy?” Kevin choked.

“Yes,” Neil said. He sounded almost angry. He tried to push past Andrew but was shoved back. “After everything he’s done to all of us, done to you-”

“Happy.” Kevin bit the words out. “You thought I would be happy. What part of ‘we grew up together’ do you not understand?”

His voice carried. He was going to wake the rest of the team like this, but he didn’t care.

Neil’s face twisted in revulsion. “He broke your hand! You almost didn’t get to play again.”

“He was my _brother._ ” And he was dead. “And you were going to, what? Just let me think he killed himself?”

Now Neil was incredulous, mouth gaped in shock. “He was your _master,_ Kevin. Does it matter how he died?”

“ _Fuck you_.” He wasn’t crying, but his eyes stung and his throat was dry and he wasn’t numb anymore. He hated Riko for much of his life, but they were in it together. No one else would ever understand the other better than they did. He was happier out of the Nest, more scared and confused, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care. “I’m not you, Neil. I can’t just cut ties and not give a shit.”

That wasn’t fair either, but he didn’t care right now.

Neil was about to open his mouth again but it was Andrew who interjected.

“Get out, Kevin.”

He didn’t need to be told twice. He slammed the door behind him and made for David and Abby’s room.

 

Everything was slowed down, and sped up at once. He lay in his hotel bed, aware of every breath, aware that Riko wasn’t ever going to do the same again.

David was there, but he couldn’t do much. No one could. David was his father but they didn’t know each other in the way Kevin had known his mom, or Riko, or Jean, or the Master. David meant well, and there was no judgment from him, outwardly. But there was a schism that didn’t yet allow the understanding Kevin needed.

He wouldn’t call Jean, not yet. They had nothing to say to each other, and by now he would have heard just like everyone else.

The rest of the Foxes were told, but Kevin refused to be present for it. He didn’t want to see their reactions, good or bad. It didn’t matter. They were going south and David would stay with him for the funeral.

That would take several days, the press said.

There would be an investigation, the press said.

Funny how every important detail was being relayed to Kevin by the people who didn’t really have authority on the matter. It felt like a violation. The person who knew Kevin most intimately was dead and he was being told all this from a TV screen, public and impartial.

He wanted to turn it off, but he couldn’t stop listening. To the fans reaction, grief from all over the world. The speculation. The scattered blame that Riko wouldn’t have done this if Kevin were still by his side.

David turned it off for him at that point.

He didn’t drink. David offered the vodka to him, but Kevin shoved it away. He couldn’t handle pretending and then coming back to the new reality. He needed to know, each and every second he was awake, that this was it. He didn’t want to remember all over again. The words kept echoing in his head anyway.

_He’s dead._

_He’s dead._

_He’s dead._

_Are you surprised?_

No. He wasn’t. Riko had to know he was on thin ice. But Kevin hadn’t let himself think that would actually happen. It felt impossible, for someone like Riko to just no longer exist.

For days, David sat with him on the other bed. Made him drink water, tried to make him eat. Tried to make him sleep, but he couldn’t. He might forget and wake up thinking everything was normal. Might feel that crack in his chest again. Plus, there were the nightmares.

He lay in the dark and stared at the smooth ceiling. Watched the light from passing traffic on the street move through the room. He and Riko had spent a lot of time in hotel rooms just like this one. Laying awake in the dark. Those shared moments felt more real to him now than ever before. Sleep deprived and guilt ridden, those memories felt very recent, and his life with the Foxes the dream.

_You’re free now. Well, mostly._

When he’d first left the Nest, he could still feel Riko’s presence at his side. During the day, he focused on Andrew. He emanated strength that Kevin drank up when he needed it, which was often. But at night, Riko was still there.

_How could you leave me?_

_We’re in this together._

_You’re a coward, Kevin._

_I told you I’d kill you if you ran. You know I don’t show mercy._

And he was here now, just the same. Kevin could feel Riko beside him on the bed, staring up at the ceiling together. Riko’s voice was hollow.

_You didn’t say bye._

I’m sorry, Kevin said. But Riko didn’t listen.

_How could you leave me? I thought we were brothers._

_I’m going to rot in the ground and you’re going to live out our dream without me._

I’m sorry, he said. Over and over. He choked on the words. He choked on the guilt, because he wasn’t sorry that he got away. He could say things now, in the dark, that he couldn’t say then. Riko couldn’t retaliate.

You hurt them.

You hurt me.

Aren’t _you_ sorry?

Riko had nothing to say. He was dead.

 

He didn’t want a call from the master. That never came, and maybe later he would be grateful for that lack of communication.

The night before the funeral, his phone rang. It could have been a prank call, but he knew what it was.

He went into the bathroom, even though David was a heavy sleeper and wouldn’t have infringed on Kevin’s privacy. He stored away as much grief as he could and said into the phone, “This is Kevin.”

“We’ve never met. You know who this is.”

Kevin’s breath shuddered despite his effort. He sat down carefully, leaned against the door. “Yes.”

“I understand you were very close to my brother. You will be at the funeral?”

“Yes.” He struggled to find the right words. Should he be offering condolences? That seemed odd, considering the circumstances. But it might be offensive if he didn’t.

“Good. It would be suspicious if you were not to attend.”

The Lord said nothing else, but left room for Kevin. He took it.

“Whatever he did…” Kevin took a breath. Closed his eyes. “He was important to me.”

There was near silence for several moments. Kevin thought maybe it had been taken the wrong way. Accusation, instead of acknowledgement.

It was said almost softly, like relief. “Good.”

There was a dial tone, and Kevin’s phone dropped to the floor.

 

At the funeral, he finally caved. There were press and so many people, everything Kevin had grown up with but today he wanted to tell them to fuck off. There were cries to him of _I’m sorry, We’re here for you,_ and sometimes _Look what you did_.

 

He took one look at Riko’s body and was sick in the bathroom. He didn’t come out until he’d drained half a bottle of vodka.

 

He didn’t look like he was asleep. He looked like he was dead and dressed in black. Riko had never once looked that peaceful. Or vulnerable, in front of so many people. He would hate that part.

Back in the Nest, when Riko was still and quiet, when it was just him and Kevin, he saw the boy he believed could change. Would grow up kinder with Kevin by his side instead of suffering alone. But Riko had not changed for the good. Riko became colder, and meaner, and crueler, and more impatient by the day. And he would never get the chance to become anything but what the master wanted from him.

 

The master was there, of course.

Kevin wanted to tell him _fuck you._ Fuck you for doing this to him. Fuck you for doing this to us. You let it happen. I hope you die all alone and everyone forgets your name.

The master didn’t look over even once.

 

What ate at him most were the things he would never know.

Was he afraid? _Yes._

Did he see it coming? _Yes._

Did he fight? _No._

What would he have said to Kevin, if he’d had a chance? What would Kevin have said? Neither of them would get the chance to hear the other out, on their own terms.

To ask Neil for all of the details would kill him. Besides. He wouldn’t believe Neil was telling the truth about this. It wasn’t the same as seeing it with his own eyes.

No matter the answers he gave himself, it didn’t matter. He knew Riko like the back of his scarred hand, but Riko had come completely undone in his last year. Maybe he had changed in ways Kevin wouldn’t recognize, much the same Kevin had.

 

It was Renee who had mentioned that, only weeks ago. How Riko may have known Kevin for years, but the Foxes knew Kevin in a way Riko never would. How he was when he was free. When he let himself be brave. When he didn’t hold back.

That didn’t make it any easier.

 

Back at Palmetto, he avoided the Foxes as much as he could. Summer break was a mercy in that way. He spent his time on the court, day and night, until he could hardly move.

David said, “We’re here for you, Kevin. Let us be here for you.” He meant him and Abby and Betsy. The others had nothing helpful to say while Andrew said absolutely nothing.

Kevin tried, but memories from the Nest clawed at him and none of them could go in that dark place. Only Neil had gone to the Nest, and he’d only known a fraction of it.

Neil said, “He can’t hurt Andrew anymore. He can’t hurt any of us anymore. I’m happy.”

He was right. Riko couldn’t hurt anyone anymore. But Kevin couldn’t be happy.

 

The second worst part was that Kevin had wished for this.

When he first escaped the Nest, when he was more terrified and angry than he had ever been, he hoped that the master would kill Riko for what he had done. He knew it would be close. That way, Kevin and Jean would be safe from Riko. That way, Kevin would never have to hear Riko accusing him of abandonment. He thought it would be easier. He never thought it would be like this, reliving old memories and feeling too many things at once as he beat himself up on the court.

 _His first beating from the master. Riko cleaned him up and told him to put away the tears, or it would be worse next time._ It wasn’t gentle, but at that age, Riko was trying to help.

 _The first time Riko threatened him with a blade. “Don’t make me hurt you."_ At age twelve, he was beginning to understand that it wasn’t Kevin. Riko really was different.

_The first and second anniversaries of his mother’s death, Riko told Kevin to sleep in his bed. Riko had pressed his back against Kevin’s and pretended not to hear his muffled sobs so he could grieve in peace._

_One of the many times Riko was beaten unconscious by the master, and woke to Kevin cleaning him up._

_“You didn’t leave, did you?” Riko asked._

_“I would never. Not without you.” It was their promise._

_We will get out together_ had turned into _don’t you dare leave me here._

_All the times Riko hurt Jean. Pushed him down the stairs. Broke his fingers. Made him beg._

_All the times Kevin bit his tongue, ducked his head, nodded and smiled. Paid lip service and believed it, because Riko could see through his lies._

He didn’t have to lie anymore. Everyone close to him knew the truth. He could say what he wanted.

 

It took him weeks before he could visit the grave. He didn’t want to think about how the body was changing. At first, he had nightmares of Riko clawing through the ground and dragging Kevin down with him. But not anymore. Now he dreamed about the boy he used to know, waiting for him in the grove.

They placed him in a private plot of land, in an old cemetery with acres of green grass and a high iron fence. He brought a ridiculously large bouquet of red, red lilies. They used to be Riko’s favorite. He placed them atop the headstone and knelt beside it.

The grave was covered with them already, and gifts of devotion, notes of how Riko had inspired the fans to be the best. It felt unfair that the whole world didn’t know who he really was, but Kevin didn’t begrudge them the good parts. He wouldn’t trade that out for something rotten. The man Riko could have been, in another life, the man he was in the softer moments. That boy deserved better.

He told himself, maybe Riko can find peace this way. Maybe when everything was behind him, he could stop being so angry and desperate and bitter. Kevin wanted to think so, but he’d never been a religious person. Maybe it was enough, that Riko wasn’t breaking into pieces anymore.

It helped to think of who Riko used to be, instead of who he could have been, or became. It also didn’t. He had never betrayed the boy who comforted him, who stood by his side. Riko would never have been okay with Kevin doing this by himself. He would feel betrayed, angry. But Kevin felt betrayed, angry, and cheated of the life they could have had.

With or without Riko, his plan had never changed. He would go to Court. He would continue to succeed and improve and inspire others to do the same. _Spero meliora_ he told himself then, as now. _I hope for better things. I strive for better things. The highest heights. I still do._

It took hours, but he told Riko all of this. Then he went home.


End file.
